As you are all aware, I am saddened at the prospect that we may have to go to war. War, is of course, an option of last resort. We must appear to consider all other options before we attack those little blue bastards who are thwarting our climate change efforts. So we’ll be having a mass to pray for peace before we attack the enemy.
Before going to mass, Ablo, I must receive absolution. Do you know of a priest close by who can give me absolution before I go to mass?
Yes, a religious person who can forgive me my sins and absolve me of my crimes so that I can still get into heaven when I die, no matter what I do or what I've done! I need to confess to a priest what I’m about to do. I need some holy water!
“No sir, I don’t know of a holy person. But there is a pub close by.”
A pub? At a time like this, you suggest we go to a pub?
“Besides wine, they have beer and whiskey.”
Have the spirits been blessed?
“I don’t know if they've been blessed, but the whiskey has been distilled and the beer has been fermented.”
Close enough Ablo. Let’s go drink some absolution and tell our sins to the bartender.
I don’t suppose there is a whole lot of difference, anyway, between a priest and a bartender. Either way, you have to leave a tip in the collection box. Oh, of course a bartender isn’t ordained, and he probably doesn’t get his rocks off playing with little boys tallywackers, but he knows how to make you feel better about your sins. And even though they both give penance, a priest will make you say a boat-load of Our-Fathers and Hail-Mary’s, a bartender will only make you drink until you barf.
“So we’re going to the pub then?”
Yes, to the pub. We’ll go to mass afterwards. How far away is the church?”
“We don’t have churches.”
Damn! Looks like we’ll have to hold our service at the pub then.
At The Pub
Barkeep, you’re not by chance an ordained minister?
Never mind, we’ll start with two shots of absolution and two beer chasers.
“That’ll be twenty-seven dollars.”
TWENTY-SEVEN DOLLARS! Are you nuts?
“Sorry, the beer and whisky only come to five and twenty, the rest is due to the new tax.”
I'm the politician who passed the tax into law...so you see...all you get from me is the five and twenty. Now let me tell you you my sins and you can pour me some more absolution. Then I can get on with this damned cursed war.
What a shame. No choice really.