Ablo, I’ve only been walking around on your planet for two weeks. Isn’t it amazing what one can accomplish in such a short time?
Just think about it. When I arrived, you people were still struggling with the whole global cooling issue.
“Yes sir, you’re right, would you like me to shovel the driveway? It seems to have snowed a few more feet last night?”
No, Ablo, that can wait, but can you turn up the thermostat, it’s freezing in here.
“I know, the temperature outside is nineteen degrees below zero.”
That’s not so bad when you think about it. It gets colder than that during winter in Minnesota.
“Its summer here sir.”
No need to quibble Ablo. You do see my point though. Before I arrived you didn’t have a government to tell you what was good for you. You had an inadequate tax system. You hadn’t the faintest idea that you were supposed to be prejudiced and you certainly didn’t know how important it was to force your enemies into compliance.
“No sir, there hadn’t been a threat of war in over two thousand years sir.”
Speaking of war Ablo, how are our troops fairing? Do they have the necessities they need?
“Yes sir. Each man is equipped with a set of solar powered thermo underwear designed to keep them comfortable down to fifty degrees below zero. They have warm gloves. The supply lines are strong so they’ve got plenty of potatoes and water. I think they’ll be fine.”
That’s not what I’m talking about Ablo. Do they have howitzer cannons? Abrams tanks? Drones capable of firing laser guided missiles through the window of an enemy combatant’s bedroom in the middle of protected fornication? Do they have grenades and bayonets and M-16 rifles?
No! What do you mean no? How can they conquer the enemy and find the WMC’s if they don’t have weapons?
“They have snowballs sir.”
Very good Ablo, this is some kind of Martian secret weapon…this “snowball”?
“If you say so sir. They’ve also got very bad gas.”
Germ warfare. Nerve agents. Blood agents. Very good Ablo. Plausible deniability in case the shit hits the fan. I’m proud of you Ablo. You’re a quick study.
“When I said they have gas, I meant that all they’ve had to eat since they were sent to the front is potatoes and most of them have terrible gas cramps.”
But they do have these “snowballs” you spoke of, right?
I can’t wait to see these “snowballs” in action! Do they have plenty of ammunition for these “snowballs”?
“I already told you sir, it snowed heavily last night.”
Ablo, I want you to get on the horn and order a barrage of these “snowballs” on a prophylactic factory our intelligence agency has discovered just across the border.
“Sir, that’s an aspirin factory.”
Either way, we need to hit it right away, so that they know that we mean business.
Oh, and one more thing Ablo. I’m going to need a pretty young intern. And I want her to wear a blue summer dress. Have her report to the oval office immediately.
“A summer dress sir? But it’s cold sir. But yes sir. There’s a pretty brunette who’s been asking for work sir. I’ll get her right away.”
That’s a blue summer dress. One more thing Ablo, and this is very important. I must also have a box of fine cigars. Just have the intern bring them with her when she comes. By the way, what’s her name?
Has a nice ring to it. Send her right away.