You won’t believe what I’m about to tell you. I was hunkered down in my war-room, nose to the snow, when Ablo shouted down with the most wonderfully Ironic news. We are on the brink of war! Just a few short hours after I built my war room, I will need to make use of it. It may need a few improvements though.
Do you realize what this means?
That’s right Quinn, grab a leash…we’ve got a dog to wag! The timing couldn't have been more perfect. I was on the verge of being thrown out of my own home, my political career in tatters before it had actually begun, and along comes the most wonderful and improbable distraction possible. A war! Can you think of anything other than war that could simultaneously pull a community together and save a presidency at the same time?
Well, it isn't quite a war yet, but it soon will be if I have anything to do with it.
Ablo, come in here please. Ablo, my boy, tell me, what is the cause of this war?
“I don’t know all of the facts, but it seems that the blue Martians from the country of Afar…”
You don’t say, there are blue Martians? Are there any other colors?
“No, just our little melting pot, and then the Afarians…you see the Afarians aren’t buying into the whole procreation/flatulence concept. Some of the red Martians got wind of the, or rather there was a particular odor missing from their Afarian wind, and so there you have it. They refuse to contribute to the climate change efforts despite the obvious conclusions of our scientists.”
Have we found any evidence of their noncompliance yet?
“No, but then we haven’t been able to cross the border into Afar to investigate.”
Tell me Ablo, do you think that if we were to invade Afar, that we’d find such evidence? Do you think that we’d find the WMC’s we’d need to press our case?
“The WMC’s sir…I don’t know what you mean.”
I mean, Ablo, do you think that the Afarians are hiding Weapons of Mass Contraception?
“Weapons of Mass Contraception sir?”
Prophylactics, Ablo, little rubber things that wrap around the talliwacker and get in the way of reproduction! Do you think that they might be hiding mass quantities of rubbers to counter the planet’s efforts to stem global cooling. Because, Ablo, the mere suspicion of the Afarians hiding WMC’s would be cause for invasion….unless of course they permitted us to go in and look for ourselves.
“They could be hiding them sir, perhaps even in plain sight...like in drugstores for instance, but the Afarians are very territorial. I’m afraid they won’t permit our inspectors to touch foot on their soil.”
Well then, Ablo, we shall have our war.
“But sir, lives will be lost. Innocent lives. The lives of our troops. Are your sure about waging war.”
Ablo, how else are we to insure a tropical climate for our children. The Afarians are thwarting the planet’s efforts to save itself from permanent winter. Think of the frostbite; think of the chills; think of the unending cold and flu season; think of the children man!
“The children sir?”
Yes, Ablo, the unborn children. I come from a religion that proclaims that life is precious. So precious, in fact, that no device or method, other than abstinence or rythom, is permitted to hinder impregnation. It’s a sin, Ablo, A sin. The Afarians must be stopped at all cost.
“Yes sir. Then I suppose it shall be War.”
To the war-room Ablo!
To the war-room!
“But it’s just a hole in the ground.”
Well then, to the hole!
“I’ll get a crew over here right away to excavate a war room sir.”
Okay then, yes, that’s even better.
Looks like I have a war to plan. Time to leave you good folks. And may the blue-bloods flow! I mean the Afarian blood. Whatever!