A lot has happened since I last spoke. I’m hiding out in my “White House”. Keeping a low profile. We’re experiencing a bit of a financial crisis. It seems that some of the taxpayers are balking at my new tax. They were previously taxed at an unreasonable low (and quite unsustainable I might add) rate of 15% of individual income. But with all of the people taking work furloughs and partaking in my presidential generosity, it seems that the tax has gone up a bit. I imposed a 7% sales tax on all goods, a 5% raw materials tax to manufacturers, a free health insurance tax of 20%, a retirement tax of 18% (of course we’ll have to raise the age of retirement to just past the state of rigor-mortis), a luxury tax of 12%, a sin-tax of a modest 9%, a contraception tax of 200% (to discourage those who would hinder the climate change effort) and finally an income tax of 27%.
It also appears that some wise ass know-it-all tattle-tail decided to add up all of the new taxes and report it to the national media. And the new taxes come to (so my detractors say) about 104% (not counting the prophylactic tax of course). Which means that the working people will have to give at least 104% more effort to stay out of trouble with the tax man.
In light of the angst over the tax hikes I’ve imposed I’ve decided to give away free calculators to every citizen so they can accurately determine how much they owe.
Oh, for heaven’s sake! NO! I will not be raising taxes to pay for the calculators! They’re absolutely free. I’ve found a source of cheap labor to manufacture them. They’re made in America. Shipping could take a few days though.
Also, I’ve decided to declare a tax holiday. That is to say that on the first day of every calendar year the entire planet will have the day off…
…so that they can prepare their tax returns, Quinn!
He asks the dumbest questions!
I have to go now. My secret service staff is a bit busy handling a little crowd outside my door. Sounds like they’ve brought some firecrackers with them and they’re setting them off to celebrate my tax holiday idea. These people love me! They really love me!
Oh shut up Quinn, Sally Fields doesn't own that phrase! No Quinn, it is not a cliche...it's a fact, dammit, a fact. Go take a pole you little bastard!